'Jakinta' short zoom comedy

‘Jakinta’ short zoom comedy

Scene 1:

Jakinta sits at her computer facing the screen talking into it directly to the audience. She uses the screen like a mirror and does her make-up as she speaks.

Jakinta

Ssh….don’t tell Ajay but I’ve got a virtual date. How do I look?

(she presents her profile each side to camera)

He’ll kill me if he finds out, thinks I should be home knitting and cooking biriyani for him. I don’t know what he’s doing here anyway. I tried to keep him out because of the virus but he insisted that I need him more than ever now and barged in. Spoilt all my fun. I was enjoying having the Ocado man coming round, he was cute. I gave him a cup of tea and a paratha, I offered him whiskey but he said he wasn’t allowed. He put all my food away for me, such a gentleman. I enjoyed watching him reaching up to the top shelf, his T-shirt riding up his body so I could see his midriff, he definitely went to the gym. Ajay stopped all that of course. Said I was making a fool of myself thinking a young guy like that could fancy me. I was just having a bit of fun, nothing serious. I didn’t ask him to put my toiletries away in the bedroom did I? Ajay says he can go to the shops now, we can save the Ocado man for people in need. I’m in need. In desperate need. He thinks I should be in Purda since his father died. I told him, just because I’m a woman and Indian, doesn’t mean I don’t have needs, he wasn’t the immaculate conception and I’m far from the Virgin Mary. I don’t know what these children think. Mothers become robots from another planet as soon as they give birth, dead from the neck down, only there to serve them. Well I did my time. 30 years with a boring husband, oh my god, never marry a boring man, you’re better off being alone. I must have done something terrible in a past life.

(she looks down at her clothes, she is wearing a sexy top)

Do you think this is too much for a first date? Oh, hell, what do I care? If he can’t take it then he’s not the man for me, I’m ready to have some fun, smoke Marjuana, roll around in the sand, swim naked in the sea on a full moon. My husband would never do any of those things with me, thought I was mad for suggesting them, I thought he was mad for wasting his life. Just sitting there, staring into space, like a zombie, do you know what he was doing? Writing poetry in his head. Poetry….romantic poems to some fantasy woman, certainly not to me. He was having a mental affair with a non existent woman and I got nothing and Ajay thinks I should spend the rest of my life mourning and weeping over him. Well I’m not going to. I already started internet dating. I waited a year, that’s long enough isn’t it? Ajay was horrified when he found out. Thinks I’m going to be killed by an axe-murderer. What century does he live in? No wonder he lost his job in IT. He wants me to stay home watching ‘Come Dine with Me’. Should be ‘Come die with me’...or ‘Come Help me murder one of my guests’.

(There is a beep on her computer. Jakinta suddenly sits up and fluffs her hair, pouting into the computer screen.)

Oh gosh, it’s time for my date with Harry. He’s really cute. Wish me luck.

Don’t tell Ajay...he’ll barge in and ruin it. I’ve locked my bedroom door. At least it’s safe sex….and I can’t get murdered online can I?

(Harry pops up on the screen. He is sitting at a table set for dinner, smartly dressed, facing the screen. He is a large, slightly plump man in his 40s with a strong Australian accent)

Harry

(waving)

Hello there Jakinta, how are you?

Jakinta

(going all coy)

Hello Harry

Harry

You look great

Jakinta

Do I? Thank you. So do you.

Harry

Ah thanks. I didn’t know what to wear on a ‘virtual’ date

(he gets up and does a twirl, showing he’s wearing a kilt)

I thought I’d make an effort...do you like it?

Jakinta

I love it, is it true what they say?

(he comes back to the computer)

Harry

You mean about my banana hammock?

Jakinta

Oh. You have a hammock? How lovely.

Harry

(holding up a bottle of wine)

Have you got a drink there?

(he pours himself a glass of wine)

Normally I would pour you one. This is good stuff. Sauvignon Blanc.

(he holds up the bottle to show her)

Jakinta

(she starts to rummage in her desk drawer)

Oh yes, hold on, I have a bottle of whiskey somewhere….I have to hide it from Ajay

(she pulls out the bottle)

He thinks I’m an alcoholic just because I pour a little whiskey in my tea

(she pours herself a glass of whiskey and holds it up to show him)

Cheers!

Harry

Cheers, lovely to meet you Jakinta

(he takes a sip)

Who’s Ajay?

Ajay appears on the screen.

Ajay

This guy is a complete pervert

Jakinta

What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in? This is a private date

(Jakinta starts bashing keys on her computer trying to get rid of him)

Ajay

I know you think I’m a complete incompetent because I don’t know what your precious ‘Tube’ is but I do know how to get in to your computer. I work in IT

Harry

Who is this guy? Do you know him?

Jakinta

This is totally illegal, you have no right to spy on me

Ajay

I’m not spying on you, I’m protecting you

Jakinta

What the hell is going to happen to me on a virtual date?

Harry

Hello?

Ajay

He could get all your personal data and clear out your back account

Harry

Is this your husband? Are you married?

Jakinta

No he’s not my husband, my husband is dead. This is my stupid son.

Harry

Does he have special needs?

Jakinta

Yes, very

Ajay

No, I do not have special needs, I have perfectly normal needs, to have a normal mother who does normal things.

Jakinta

He thinks I should commit sati and burn myself by his side.

Harry

Are you guys Hindu?

Jakinta

He wants a boring mother who’s half dead

Ajay

I’m trying to keep you alive

Harry

Don’t worry son. I have no intention of harming your mother. It’s funny you’re Hindus because I’ve been reading the Vedas lately.

Ajay

Son? Are you even older than me? You’re definitely not old enough to be my father.

Jakinta

I am more than a mother. Look what you’ve done already, we were having a perfectly lovely date and you’ve turned me into a category. I’m not just your mother Ajay, I’m a woman, a normal woman, with normal needs. I’m not a widow, or a wife, I’m me. You’re too old to have a mother now anyway.

Ajay

It’s not a job you can resign from

Harry

Have you heard about entanglement?

Ajay

Look Hairy

Jakinta

His name’s Harry

Ajay

Whatever your name is

Harry

The Vedas understood the universe better than we do

Ajay

He’s a complete racist

Jakinta

How is the poor guy racist?

First he’s a pervert, then he’s an internet con-artist, now he’s a racist, next he’ll turn into a serial killer. You should write drama Ajay, not IT.

Harry

I’m not racist, I’m part Aborigine. I’m actually related to Angus Young...

Ajay

He’s rascist because he thinks we’ve read the Vedas just because we’re brown. We don’t all sit around in dhotis going ‘om’ all day.

Jakinta

Oh, your father was into all that nonsense, he should have become a priest and retired to an ashram, he would have been much happier and so would I.

Ajay

That’s my father you keep complaining about all the time

Jakinta

I’m perfectly aware of that

Harry

Maybe that’s why you have special needs son.

Ajay

I do not have special needs, if you were here in the flesh I’d give you special needs.

Jakinta

Ajay, get off my computer right now.

(she wriggles her mouse around trying to get rid of him)

(Harry sits back, closes his eyes and starts to Om.)

Ajay

This guy’s a total nutcase. Look at him.

Harry sits ‘Oming’ with his eyes closed

Jakinta

You think you’re so sane? Spying on your mother. Breaking into my computer to invade my date?

Ajay

What does he do anyway? He’s clearly a hippy, layabout, leech, hunting for desperate victims like you.

Jakinta

Ajay, get off my computer, right now

Ajay

I’m not a five year old

Jakinta

Then stop behaving like one

Ajay

I’ll go when he goes and I know you’re safe

Jakinta

I’ve had enough of this

Jakinta gets up off her chair and leaves the room.

(It all goes quiet)

Harry

Hello?

Suddenly Jakinta is back in her seat at her screen again. She flicks her hair and raises her whiskey to him.

Jakinta

Ah, there you are Hairy. I mean Harry. Where were we?

She takes a sip

Harry

I was practising sending positive energy your way

Jakinta

It definitely worked, thank you

Harry

Do you think so? I’ve been going to special yoga and meditation classes. Have you heard about Entanglement?

Jakinta

I definitely get entangled every time I do yoga, usually with the person on the next mat….especially if they’re cute.

Harry

Where’s your son? Is he ok?

Jakinta

Oh, don’t worry about him, he won’t be bothering us any more. Cheers.

She gulps down her whiskey.

Harry

(looking concerned)

What did you do to him?

Jakinta

He’s fine

Harry

Did you say your husband was dead?

Jakinta

(lightly)

Oh yes, he went years ago. Thank god. What about you? Have you ever been married?

Harry

What did he die of?

Jakinta

He died of rigor mortis. His cells got so bored they seized up and died...or committed suicide….if he gets reincarnated as a slug that would be progress.

Harry

Can I see him?

Jakinta

My husband?

Harry

Ajay

Jakinta

What do you want to see him for? This is our date...you’re not gay are you?

Harry

I just want to make sure he’s alright

Jakinta

I sometimes wondered if my husband was gay, that would have explained a lot….maybe the woman in his head wasn’t a woman...poor man, he should have told me...we could have had some fun together...gone on a double date…..

(she suddenly remembers Harry)

Hairy...Harry are you there

Shame, I thought he seemed quite sweet.

She takes a swig of whiskey

form-idea.com London, 30th October 2020

Selections
1) ‘After Hour Film Festival’ – USA, India and Latin American
2) ‘Independent Shorts Awards Fil Festival’ : Los Angeles....won ‘Best Web Film’.
3) ‘Manhattan Rep Stories Film Festival’ – New York.
4) ‘Eastern European Film Festival’. Romania.
5) ‘Beyond the Curve International Film Festival’. Paris, France.
6) ‘Five Continents International Film Festival’
7) ‘Druk International Film Festival’. Bhutan. Won ‘Best Web Film’.

Awards
1) ‘Best Web Film’ : Druk International Film Festival – Bhutan -
2) ‘Best Web Film’ : Independent Shorts Awards – Los Angeles

Bettina has had 11 plays produced by BBC Radio 4, one series on BBC Radio Berkshire and two stage plays produced by Kali Theatre Co. She has won several awards for her writing: Sony Gold for best Radio Series ‘The Plot’, The Clarion Award for best Radio Drama ‘My Name is Iqbal’, The Sultan Padamsee Award for best Theatre Play in India ‘Watching You’. Her stage play ‘Other’ was long-listed for the Verity Bargate and Manchester Exchange Awards. She has written/directed a short film, ‘Jakinta’ which won best Web Film of the month at the Druka Film Festival in Bhutan.